MIRACLES OF YESTERDAY, THAT DEFINE ME TODAY !

Some choose to Follow .... some choose to Believe ...I chose Both !!

I am a born Hindu but I don't religiously follow what I was born to.

I am a free soul and I tend to deviate from the conventional religious traditions that my family or relatives practice , probably because I was not brought up that way! I instead of following their instructions ... follow what my heart or rather what my inner voice instructs.... and what I truly believe is the voice of Lord Shiva .... and sometimes Jesus Christ! I consider the latter the reserved kind... speaks very little .... listens a lot ..... smiles a lot more... at whatever he is listening . Lord Shiva is the one who talks to me a lot... or rather warns me a lot ... just like my father, " Don't do this... I'm telling you! Don't come crying to me later on!" I'm like , " Yeah! whatever dude!" As usual like a stubborn child ... I don't and yes! I do go crying to him.... and then he gives me that look ... with his raised eyebrow and all.. that mocking smile on his face ... " What did I tell ya!" Finally ,his insulting laugh .... But then no matter how big the problem is ... no matter how deep the shit is...he gets me out of there...safe and sound... Gives me another chance ... always does ... Just like my father!

Now I might sound all crazy talking about two of the most talked about Gods as if they are normal human beings or something but this is how I have grown to believe in them... this is how I have grown to bond with them ... this is how I have grown to acknowledge the fact that there is indeed some supernatural divine power guiding me at every step of my life ... especially when I am in trouble ... especially when I am in desperate need of some sort of guidance.. love... support ... mentor ship , and I am not getting any of the that from humans around me .... Not from some mythological books or religious scriptures... No! not at all .... I don't even dare touch them .... they make me sick of their complexities in trying to explain Who God is ..... When the fact is it is so simple to find him... understand him .... as he is right within you... ( Mind you! It can be a She too .... depends on whom you are visualizing .... in my case it's a HE!) It might all sound so cliche .... all that one has grown up listening from grandparents and parents.. teachers and seniors etc..etc...

But the whole listening adds a  completely different value to your belief system when you actually experience something .... which helps transform your listenings to beliefs . I too have literally grown up listening about God and what not ... from almost everyone around me .... But there were only a handful who actually helped me experience what I was listening to! My mother for instance never sat and read out 'Ramayana' or 'Mahabharata' or 'Shiva Purana' to me .... no... never .... she was too busy picking up the pieces of her and her family's struggling life ... which was always on the verge of falling apart... she couldn't possibly take out the time for divine surrealism ...when reality was too harsh for anything ...anything at all. She instead would narrate bed time stories to my siblings and me in the most simplest of manner .... without any complicated religious jargon... simple stories ... simple real life experiences where Lord Shiva had helped her .... saved her .... She would often tell us that that Shivji was very innocent and that is why he helps all those who are innocent or rather ignorant of the worldly cunningness .... manipulation ! She would often advice us to try it .... if we would demand something .... with genuine emotions... even if it was anger ... he would grant it . She never told us the story of his life ... his purpose of existence .... his importance or place in Hindu mythology .... Just how he would help when needed... How he appeared physically ( which greatly helped me visualize him) ... How he reacted and how he would speak back to her .... and then she would say try it .... If you don't fake your emotions ... he will listen ..... and Guess what!! I did try it a number of times and HE DID... HE NOT ONLY LISTENED ... HE RESPONDED ! This is how I grew up believing in him and ultimately following him . 

I have many experiences to share but this one particular incident has had an undying impact on my memory . I was in my first year of graduation and it was after a break of 3 years I was going to write my exams. I had to drop 2 years before that because of which I was behind my peers by 2 years. This time and career loss often shook my confidence in me .... often it would make me gloomy and doubtful about my future. What was worse was that just before my final exams I fell terminally ill... I couldn't prepare and I was extremely nervous. I thought another year was going to go a waste.  My parents although extremely supportive could not understand the anxiety in me . Somehow I managed most of my papers but by my last exam I was completely exhausted ... with one day for preparation & no signs of recovery .... along with constant fear of failure ... took a toll on me and I spend the entire day and the night weeping in my bed ...weak...physically...mentally...emotionally. My parents were angry at me for not even giving it a try ..... upset that I had given up on life .... worried that there was no hope for me .... helplessly tried to console me and boost me so that I would atleast built the courage to write the paper. But I was not myself that day ... I had given up! In life a lot of them might say they are failures ..... but to feel like one ... behave like one .... IT IS THE MOST PATHETIC FEELING IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD !!

I was so mad at myself .... to not have a control of my own body ... my own mind ..... my own thoughts .... and nobody in this mortal world could understand what I was going through ! In that desperation I took out all my anger on Lord Shiva .... I abused him... blamed him for my condition .... my imperfect life ... warned him to give up on him too... finally threatened him ... that If I would fail this exam ... I would never talk to him again! Who talks to God like that right! Well I do .... all the time ... every time I  am upset .... It is just that I am not faking my emotions with him... I'm not following the laid down "RULES" ..... I just express myself exactly as the way he sees it ..... not pretending to be respectful to him ... when I don't feel like it .... I AM JUST ME AND HE IS JUST HE !!

Nevertheless , within minutes of that conversation I started feeling better... could feel my strength coming back to me .... my confidence ..... my energy .... every thing ..... But this was just like 2 hours before the examination. I finally decided to have a small chit chat with him before I went into battle .... and here is the conversation :-

ME : ok, listen ... very carefully . I have an hour left . tell me what is important . Just give me  a hint and I will study that.

(I had a whole pile of books on my bed and I started placing my finger on each book one by one.)

HE : This one !

(It was one of those 10 year solved papers.)

ME : Ok, lets see... I have 4 units ... each unit has around 15-20 chapters and these questions cover almost all chapters . I cant study all the answers in each unit so I will go with one answer from each unit. After 4 if there is still time (which by the way there wasn't) I will pick another 4. 

HE : And what do I do till then?

 ( His insulting smirk was back on his face .... his left eyebrow up .... that look of ... " what did I tell ya !" ( he often tells me to study before hand and not procrastinate) .... Gosh! I so hate that look on his face .... but then I so love it because I know he is now going to save my ass!!) 

ME : Well you don't get to sit idle definitely .... I will point at every question one by one and then you tell me which one to study and which one to leave . Got it !

HE : Got it !

(The look on his face persists... as if he is enjoying the whole game ...testing me .... enjoying the show ...watching the 'CONTROLLED' play the 'CONTROLLER'.... He mesmerises me after a while ...I can look at his beautiful face forever ...all hypnotized....madly in love ... but I don't have time and so I continue .)

ME : This one ?

HE : Leave.

ME : This one ? 

HE : No Leave .... move your fingers fast .... you don't have that much time ...and neither do I ... have others to attend to !

ME : Don't you fucking move! Others can be attended an hour later.

HE : Did you just use the 'F' word for me ! 

( I am embarrassed and I blush .... he bursts out laughing like crazy ! We Both laugh together!!)

ME : This ?

HE : Yes! Definitely study this one .

( This continues till I finally have my four questions... one from each unit ... )

In the next 45 minutes I manage to learn only the 4 answers ... as they are long question based answers.... I head out for my exams... taking my parents blessings... his are always with me ..... 

15 minutes into the examination hall... I receive my question paper. First question is compulsory .... each 3 marks ... short ones ... I know most of them ... basic concepts... not much of a problem. 

The real challenge are the Unit based Questions .... Long Answers... each carries 10 marks... 4 Units... 4 questions .... approx. 40 -50 chapters ... possibility of countless type of questions being framed .... I have studied ONLY 4 ... that too based on what my Shivji instructed .....( and what others would call a petty co incidence .... an inkling .... some smart asses would also say I'm hearing voices and try to reason this 'phenomenon' with some shitty scientific theory/ hypothesis !)   BUT I LISTENED .... I BELIEVED ... AND I FOLLOWED !!

I opened my booklet .... 
ALL 4 QUESTIONS ARE THERE IN THE PAPER .... 
ALL 4 ( out of all the countless possibilities.. all the fucking possibilities!)
I see him smiling again .... this time a different smile .... a smile that I see on my father's face when he has managed to solve my problem ... a smile of satisfaction ... that he has delivered what his child had expected ... a smile of relief that his child is no more in pain! I smile back in gratitude .... almost tear eyed ... and then pray to him before starting my new venture .... to give me strength ... No! wait he already has .... to give me strength to sustain what he has instilled in me !! 

I write a brilliant paper and score one of the highest scores for that subject in my entire batch!!

SOME CHOOSE TO FOLLOW .... SOME CHOOSE TO BELIEVE ... I CHOSE BOTH ... I BELIEVED AND I FOLLOWED !!